Not Yet Read for Charlie by Kaycee

Genre: Poetry : Death
Length: 1 page / 71 words
Reading Time: ~ 1 minute
Author Age: 29 years old when written
Author Note: This may not be understood and that's o.k. I believe poetry is an expression and sometimes only the poet can understand it. It is, in my opinion, a form of therapy. I have never submitted anything here, so please understand that it may not post like I want it to. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will appreciate the cold (sometimes) brutal truth :).
Tagline: "Does life hold no joy?"
Audience: PG
Rating [?]: This work is awaiting five votes! Read and comment today!
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Beginning:
Gently,
Weeping weeping
O Gentle boy
Let not your eyes grow
misty with rain
and covered with death
Whilst you lower your head
As you walk the path worn
with restless feet

Gently,
Weeping weeping
O Gentle boy
Does life hold no joy?
Whilst you take a blade
to that vibrant skin
An escapade into night
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Recent Comments: Submit a Comment!
  • Adelaide writes: "I really liked this. Keep up the good work!"
  • The author writes: "Thank you all for the comments!"
  • Balthasar McFinnigan writes: "Really well written, I don't want to analyse this piece as it hit a spot somewhere deep inside, I imagine you wrote it from that very same spot."
  • Trooper writes: "I know why you wrote these words and I admire you for them. Poetry lies in the heart."
  • Rosie13 writes: "Hmm. A few things: --I liked the way you arranged your words. I mean by that, you took overused and banal phrases and twisted them around to create something fresh. For example, "Let not your eyes grow/misty with rain/and covered with death". Totally cliche if placed differently, but you managed a new feel to old words. Well done! --This could definitely be longer. In fact, it should be. It needs to be. The two main stanzas you have here seem more like an introduction than a story. You've set up this boy's misery: now do something with it. Don't leave so much to our own interpretation. Your meager [albeit effective] descriptions already stretch the imagination. Give us more to chew on. --The end should be revised as well: there isn't nearly enough there for your audience to grab onto. Is it hopeful, or something more sinister? Is he being saved, or put out of his misery? Ambiguity is a difficult thing; it requires an amount of substantiation [ironically]. --Overall, it has potential [I hate that word...], but needs some drawing out and revision."
  • cleos asp writes: "breathtaking, delicate and unforgettable."
  • jad jawhari writes: "reallly nice keep it up"
  • Robert Batchelor writes: "I like the classical style of this, and the personal nature. All I would suggest would be the repetition sounds of 'gently' and 'gentle' so close to each other grated on me slightly as a reader. I really liked the metaphor "...eyes grow misty with rain", I thought that read well."
  • The author writes: "OOPS! I need to work on spelling too."
  • The author writes: "I had written this poem for another poet on this site. He was (or seemed) depressed. I felt it through his poetry. I just wrote it as I sat in front of my computer.I imagined him in this way. I have revisted it a couple of times and could not quite figure out what was lacking. Thank :) You! for pointing out those things.I still don't believe it should be on the "most popular" list. I don't deserve such recogintion. I want constructive criticism and I am pleased that you responded in this manner. Grammar is another issue and if I post again here it would help for you to look over my material and break it down. I apprecitate your time."